Treat her like a lady, not a baby-making machine

Kaneez* has five young children with a small age difference between them. She works full-time as a domestic maid and takes short, rushed breaks in order to nurse her youngest child, a five-month-old infant. If her break becomes longer than the expected five minutes, she is severely rebuked by her employer. 

Life is hard for Kaneez. Not only does her husband expect her to make ends meet, but also wants her to keep adding more children to the brood. Her children fight all the time, demand clothes and toys when she takes them grocery shopping and throw tantrums when their wishes are not fulfilled.

The over-worked mother says that her health is deteriorating by the day. She realises that she may be suffering from a number of complications, but does not have time to get herself checked by a doctor.

According to Kaneez, it was her husband’s aunt who kept making snide remarks about other relatives having more male progeny than her that made her want to have more babies. So Kaneez ended up having more children than she wanted as a retort to the aunt. Now, as those who provoked her go about their daily business, life for Kaneez just keeps getting tougher. When thoroughly exhausted, she releases her stress by physically abusing her children.

There is no doubt that children are God’s blessing. But in many societies, including ours, most women are forced to have one child after an another. They do not have the freedom to choose how many children they have nor do they get to decide the age difference between them.

Faiza* is 35 and has six children. She also works full time as a domestic servant. When she returns home, she must perform all the household duties. After six children, Faiza thought her family was complete, and she had a tubal ligation surgery in order to prevent any more pregnancies. But, when her husband and mother-in-law learned about this, they were furious. Faiza shares her sorrow saying:

I have given them six children out of which two are male. I am also the major breadwinner of the family. What else do they want?

Another sad case is Asifa*, who at the very young age of 20, has five children and is expecting yet again. She does all the housework and her young boys keep her on her toes all day long. She has no time for herself and often gets tired and angry. Asifa was also forced to conceive repeatedly on one pretext or the other.

Sultana* has eight children. When she gets run-down, she screams and hits her children and tells them they are ‘unwanted’. She has left most of her young daughters as live-in servants at bungalows in different parts of the city. She does care about her children, but she doesn’t have the time or energy to inquire about their well-being on a frequent basis. Recently, one of her daughters got pregnant out of wedlock.

“What can I do? I work full time and look after four young children after work hours. How can I keep track of what’s going on in their lives?,” says a perplexed Sultana.

“My husband said he would leave me if I didn’t have more children,” she added

According to her, he was provoked by his relatives to give her this threat. Even today, women are desperate to safeguard their marriages. This is because a divorced woman is looked down upon and her character is misjudged. Scared of such consequences, even if women can financially support themselves without a husband, they stay in the marriage.

Another way of psychologically blackmailing women to have more children is by accusing them of having a low character, having liaisons outside of marriage or not loving their husbands.

Sadaf*, a young professional,  recently got married into an educated family. When she told her husband that she wanted to work a little more (before having a child) because she had time (referring to her biological clock), her in-laws accused her of having a secret boyfriend. So this behaviour is not only limited to the lower class.

Many women I have spoken to explained that their relatives compel them to have more children because they love kids and and want to be surrounded by them. They do this because they feel it is a means of keeping women “under control”; to keep them so burdened with responsibilities that they have no time to think about their own desires.

Family planning is a matter that should remain between the husband and wife. Unfortunately, most men in our poverty ridden society have a rigid mindset. Many men living in rural Pakistan have not received any guidance and are egged on by uncaring relatives to have unrealistic expectations from their partners.

If anyone is to argue that it is recommended in our religion to have more children, I would like to say that our religion also says that men should provide for the family. When it comes to the second obligation, why do such men turn a deaf ear?

A woman has a natural instinct to care for each of her children. But when she is abused, this instinct becomes ugly. Juggling work with the upbringing of several young children, a woman not only becomes frustrated but ends up neglecting her own kids. This could lead to serious issues, like the case with Sultana’s pregnant daughter.

Why should children be subject to neglect, physical and mental abuse?

Our men and women need to be educated. Women need to be understood and treated like human beings instead of machines. Children need to be seen as individuals that need exclusive affection and care. ‘Caring and well-meaning’ relatives must stop interfering beyond a certain point.

I think women should have the choice. I hope the majority will agree.

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RUQQAYAH BINT MOHAMMED-THE LADY OF TWO MIGRATIONS

Ruqayyah is the second daughter born to Prophet Mohammed ﷺ and Lady Khadejah (RA). She and Um Kulthoom, the third daughter, were very close as Zainab was a bit older than them and Fatima was much younger. These two sisters grew up as if they were twins and shared almost everything.

Ruqayyah and Um Kulthoom got engaged at the same time to brothers, who just happened to be the sons of Abu Lahab. Abu Talib, the Prophet’s ﷺ uncle, came to him and asked for his daughters’ hand in marriage on behalf of Abu Lahab. Prophet Mohammed ﷺ asked him for some time so that he can go ask his daughters. They had a small family meeting with the girls and Khadejah (RA), who was hesitant because she knew how heartless and cruel Abu Lahab’s wife was and didn’t want her to be the mother in law to her daughters. Nevertheless, they all agreed to the proposal and the marriage contracts were signed in an environment of extreme anxiety on everyone’s behalf.
Soon afterwards, the Prophethood descended upon Mohammed ﷺ and everything changed for them. Khadejah (RA) became even more worried about the fate of her daughters as Abu Lahab and his wife started to show extreme cruelty to the Muslims. However, fate worked in their favor when Abu Lahab, in order to punish Mohammed ﷺ, ordered his sons to break off the marriage (which had not yet become official) to Mohammed’s ﷺ daughters. The girls went home to their parents in great distress.
However, the disbelievers did not get the satisfaction they were looking for because Mohammed ﷺ taught his daughters that everything happens for a reason and there is something good that will come out of a bad situation. So the entire family took it really well and put their trust in God.
Sure enough, someone great did come along by the name of Uthman ibn Affan, one of the most dignified, gracious, righteous, bashful, noble, wealthy men of all of Quraysh. Uthman was very well known in Quraysh for his lineage and wealth but he was also the most loved man. He was so loved, that the mothers in Quraysh would sing a lullaby to their children that went, “By Allah, I love you, as the Quraysh love Uthman.”

There was once a story reported by Az-Zubayr that the Prophet ﷺ had sent a man with a gift to Uthman and Ruqayyah and the man came back late. The Prophet ﷺ told him, “Do you want me to inform you about what delayed you?” The man nodded. “You stood there looking at Uthman and Ruqayyah, admiring their beauty,” replied the Prophet ﷺ.
When the persecution of the Muslims started to get too intense, Prophet Mohammed ﷺ allowed whoever could to migrate to Abbysinia where there was a king who would protect them and wouldn’t allow anyone to be wronged in his presence. This king was Negus. Uthman and Ruqayyah were among those who decided to migrate but Ruqayyah found it so hard to say goodbye to her family and was crying and scared.
The trip to Abysinnia was long and difficult. They had to go through two deserts, a deep sea and the African jungles, all in the scorching heat. First they went from Mecca to the Jeddah coast where they boarded a ship that took them to the Abbysinian coast. From then, they traveled inland until they reached palace of the king and informed him of their migration to his land.
Back in Mecca, it wasn’t long before the Quraysh found out about the migration and sent some delegates who knew the king with gifts to persuade him to turn the migraters over to them. Once the delegates arrived though, there was nothing they could say to convince the king to surrender the refugees. So one of the delegates claimed that these people were saying negative things about Jesus and Mary. This made the king angry and he sent guards to the Muslim camp to bring them to the palace.

The Muslims became very worried that they were summoned but Ja’far stood up and said that he will speak on everyone’s behalf. The king questioned Ja’far about leaving the religion of their forefathers. Ja’far answered that they were people that lived in ignorance and corruption until Mohammed ﷺ came among them and brought light and commanded them to worship Allah. Then the king asked them what they say about Jesus and Mary. Ja’far answered that they believe that Jesus was a messenger of God and recited the first few verses of Soorat Maryam. Upon hearing this, the king declared that he would never turn these people over to Quraysh. The delegates tried appealing to the king through other church members but they were not successful and went home empty handed.

The Muslims lived in Abbysinia for months and some of them years. They took up jobs according to their professions and were not a burden on the king or his people. There were times of stress, like when the king almost got overthrown by his nephew who hated the Muslims, but overall, the time they spent there was peaceful. However, they were all still thinking about home, and none more than Ruqayyah, who was yearning to see her sisters and parents. Then news came that Hamza and Umar bin Al Khattab had accepted Islam and some saw this as a good time to come home. They thought surely if these two great men had become Muslims then they would be safe. Ruqqayah and Uthman were among the first group to leave Abbysinia.
When they arrived in Mecca, they were disappointed and stunned to see the extent at which the brutality against the Muslims had gotten. Ruqqayah immediately went to her family’s house and kissed her sisters and father. She then asked about her mother only to learn that she had passed away while Ruqqayah was in Abbysinia. This broke her heart and she wept profusely. She prayed for her mother and resigned her fate to Allah.

It was not long before Ruqqayah became pregnant and gave birth to a boy, Abdullah. The baby filled their life with joy after so much hardship and sorrow. When Abdullah was two years old, Ruqqayah, Uthman joined those that migrated to Madinah.
However, as all believers go through trials, Ruqayyah was about to endure another very difficult trial.
{Who has created death and life, that He may test you [to see] which of you is best in deed} [Quran 67:2]

One day Abdullah was sleeping in his cradle when a rooster pecked him in the eyes. This led to an infection that claimed his life a few days later. Ruqqayah was so distraught by the death of her son that she became very ill. Uthman lovingly and affectionately stood by her and took care of her while she was sick, but eventually she passed away. As Uthman was kissing her forehead, the announcement was made in the city of the Muslim’s victory in the battle of Badr.
Prophet Mohammed ﷺ came back stunned to find his daughter dead. He and Fatima wept for her and stood by consoling each other and Uthman.
The Prophet ﷺ sorrowfully performed the funeral prayers. He returned to his home after burying his daughter carrying his struggle with him and continued to deliver his message. Uthman later married Um Kulthoom because she was so close in character to Ruqqayah. May Allah be pleased with all of them.
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Family planning and Islam

MANY people, especially women, have asked me if family planning is permissible in Islam. They say the imams and ulema say the Quran prohibits family planning and quote a verse which says, “And kill not your children for fear of poverty — We provide for them and for you. Surely the killing of them is a great wrong” (17:31).

In no way does this verse refer to family planning because it is talking of ‘killing’ and you kill one who exists. No law in the world will permit killing one who is already born and hence the Quran rightly condemns the killing of children. Some people suggest that the verse in question refers to the practice of burying girl children alive and when asked they would say they could not provide for them and hence Allah responds that He provides for them.

Imam Razi suggests the verse refers to both male and female children being kept ignorant. Thus killing them has not been used as in killing the body but the mind which is as bad as killing the body. The word used here is ‘awlad’ i.e. children, which includes both male and female.

Imam Razi’s suggestion seems to be quite reasonable and in fact a large family means children cannot be properly educated by poor parents and hence parents ‘kill’ them mentally by keeping them ignorant.

They cannot even clothe them properly nor can they provide proper living space. In such circumstances one cannot raise quality human beings, and quantity does not matter much. That said, we should understand that at the time of the revelation of the Quran, the problem of family planning did not exist, nor did the need for population control.

It is a modern problem which has arisen in our time. Most nation states in the developing world do not have the economic means to support large populations, and when we say supporting large populations it does not mean only feeding them but also includes education and the provision of proper health services. These are the basic duties of modern nation states.

In fact, in view of the paucity of resources, it has become necessary to adopt family planning. When the Quran was being revealed there was neither any properly organised state nor education nor health services being provided by a state agency.
It is important to note that the Quran, which shows eight ways to spend zakat, does not include education or health which is so essential for the state to provide today. Thus what Imam Razi suggests is not only very correct but also enhances the importance of family planning in modern times as a small family can support better education and health services.

It would be interesting to note that as for verse 4:3 (which is used by Muslims for justification of polygamy) Imam Shafi’i interprets it rather differently. It ends with the words alla ta’ulu, which is generally translated as ‘you may not do injustice’ i.e. do not marry more than one woman so that you may not do injustice. But Imam Shafi’i renders it as ‘so that you do not have a large family’. The Quran has already mentioned that ‘if you fear injustice then marry only one’ woman and so there was no need to repeat it. That is why Imam Shafi’i feels it should be translated as ‘so that you do not have a large family’.

It can be seen that in understanding the Quran even very eminent imams and great scholars differed with one another. One should not impose one single meaning of a verse on all Muslims. The Quran could be interpreted differently by different people in their own context and circumstances, as has historically been the practice. Family planning being a modern need, one should not reject it out of hand and quote Quranic verses out of context.

Family planning does not mean killing children after they are born but to plan the birth of children in a way that parents can bear all the expenses for their education, health, living space, upkeep, etc. in a proper manner. The Quran also suggests that a child be suckled for two years, and it is well known that as long as the mother suckles she may not conceive. Thus, indirectly, the Quran suggests spacing between children.

In hadith literature, we find that the Prophet (PBUH) permitted prevention of conceiving in certain circumstances. When a person asked the Prophet for permission for ‘azl (withdrawal) as he was going for a long journey along with his wife and he did not wish his wife to conceive, the Messenger of Allah allowed him. In those days this was the only known method for planning the birth of a child. Today there are several more methods available.

Imam Ghazali allows even termination of pregnancy if the mother’s life is in danger and suggests several methods for termination. He even allows termination of pregnancy on health grounds or if the mother’s beauty is in danger, provided it is in consultation with her husband. Some scholars referring to the verse 23:14 conclude that one can terminate pregnancy up to three months after conception as the Quran, in this verse, describes the stages of development of the sperm planted in the mother’s womb; it takes three months for life to begin.

However, many ulema today oppose the termination of pregnancy. Whatever the case one cannot declare family planning as prohibited in Islam as it in no way amounts to killing a child. Even the termination of a pregnancy is allowed in order to properly plan the birth of a child according to one’s financial resources.

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